You know what really makes me upset, on this day of Halloween? The kids. Okay, I know what you're thinking- I don't have kids so how can I say a damned word about it? Well, I can pretty much say whatever the fuck I want and my opinion is going to be more valid than the parents who dress their kids up as pansies during the holidays. And I would know. I was one of them. My first Halloween ever? I was a bunny rabbit. One of the goddamn cutest bunny rabbits you've ever and will ever see, but a bunny rabbit. That's right. The lowest on the bad ass totem poll. My kids are going to be fucking sweet and I'll tell you why. Not a one of them is going as a pukey little lady bug (Thomas), pea pod (Daniel) or pumpkin (Brent).
Oh yeah- that kid is adorable, right?. Well guess what his parents just set him up for? A life full of criticism and a poorly adapted sense of self. After other parents coo and molly coddle this boy-pumpkin, he is never going to understand how to live and adjust to the normal way of life again. He will never be this full of joy and energy again, because Halloween has sucked all of the happiness of him. It was the goddamned stem hat! It just went too far.
My first kid, Peter Piper, is going to be a box of Franzia but that's also going to be a part of normal life for mommy. My second, Catherine Emily Jr, is going to be a spike. That's right. Just a fucking spike. My twins, next up in line because of fertility drugs, are going to be those scary chicks from The Shining.
So when kids with dumb ass Halloween costumes like these:
come to my door and asks for Treats, I'm going to gaze them straight in the eye and very quietly say, "Not until you take off those stupid ass costumes and tell your parents to grow a pair." Thanks to Kara, who lent me the second picture. WTF were you for Halloween, Kara? And thanks to Michael and Erin who...were a nun and a fork!? See what I'm talking about?
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