Under Oath

Wafflesickles?

2010-07-02T12:59:00.003-06:00

What are two of the greatest things on earth? Well, that's not a fair questions because obviously bacon is number 1, and this has nothing to do with that...or does it? Bacon waffles ON A STICK!?? Let's invent it! Anyway, if you love things on sticks and love waffles well then, this is perfect for you. Or is it? You're not allowed to get near electrical outlets, are you? You stuck your finger in one a few times, didn't you? It's not my fault that you can't enjoy these waffle sticks, then.

Beat Mario 3 in 4 Minutes or Less.

2010-06-23T09:56:00.003-06:00

You wanna beat Mario 3 in under 4 minutes? I have an idea: sit with me for those four minutes and learn from a master. If you don't have the time/can't stand the smell/can't get here for four minutes well then, I guess you don't put as much into this relationship as I do.
If you like to play Mario solo (I get it, the Princess is hot. Just don't do anything that could earn you some time in jail, son) then here's a chart about how you can beat the game. Or you can go au natural and just figure it out LIKE I DID 15 YEARS AGO. That knowledge will forever serve me, especially in job interviews. That's right, it's on my resume. Dig it.

2010-06-22T14:30:00.003-06:00

I can just imagine the cops here: Well, this looks pretty legit. Let's move it along, boys.

2010-06-17T15:22:00.001-06:00

I don't know how this got into the "Casual Encounter" section...

2010-06-16T10:46:00.002-06:00

This is the refrigerator of the future. And let me tell you something that's less appealing than eating something that was just in a handful of Ghostbuster slime: nothing. Literally, nothing. Wait, can you eat spiders? Is that a delicacy somewhere?
I just looked it up, it's not. Because that could be the only other thing that is grosser than sticking your hand in and out of slime: eating spider legs. Otherwise, yeah. This would be it. Thanks, Japan.

2010-06-15T08:50:00.002-06:00

Um. I'm pretty pissed off today and I'll tell you why. There is, apparently, a website called Bacon Today and guess what types of news they cover? Bacon.Today. Every day something about bacon. So, on one hand I feel foolish for trying to compete with Bacon Today since, let's see, that's all I talk about but I'm also pretty angry about the fact that no one has told me about this website. So I hope I don't lose you all to that website because that would suck and also, look at these pretty colors:
That's right, that's right. Stay with me now. Because I'm racially sensitive unlike another bacon website I know, I will not be naming this post "Colored Bacon". Also, I covered Bacon Fingernails like, 4 months ago. So yeah. Where do you get your bacon news today again? Right here. Good boy. Have a piece of colored bacon.

2010-06-11T16:29:00.004-06:00

When life hands you a special someone, isn't the first thing you want to do with them is go and watch "Human Centipede"? And maybe if that special someone is squeamish (read: pansy) then maybe you can just get them one of these: a token of yours and the centipede's love. My question is, why not? If you can't wear a human centipede around your neck, where ELSE can you wear it?
Thanks to Jon, who wishes he was the middle man in that equation.

Cactus Chair

2010-06-11T08:56:00.002-06:00

Do you sometimes sit for so long during the day that your ass goes numb? Really, never? Are you just not lazy or...oh? You have Restless Leg Syndrome? How interesting. Well, this little product might inspire me to get up an move around more (but I'm just soo tired) or, you know, it might turn into the type of thrill that I never get over.
Cactus fetish, anyone? Nope, no one at all, I just googled it. Well, it looks like I'm unique because of one thing: putting down 3K for a stupid glass chair! Sweet

2010-06-10T12:46:00.002-06:00

It's sad, because I should have and totally didn't.

Meat Cards

2010-05-26T08:38:00.005-06:00

I once knew someone in college who carried around her phone number on black business cards with silver writing. And you thought THAT was classy! Well forget all about those and train your eyes on these! You thought that picture on the right was some sort of Laffy Taffy like meat chew, didn't you? You were right. You were right with one exception- they have your name, business and contact information on them. That's right.

They're meat-business cards. I don't see why you can't combine a business with meat, at any point in time...but that's coming from someone who doesn't see why you can't combine bacon with any major life decision. Asking to marry me? Present it with bacon. Birth of the first child? Instead of drugs, bacon. Writing your name on important documents with bacon grease, listen, the option is there, I'm just telling you to look for it more often. Now be a man and go get yourself these bacon cards.

Thanks to Zach, who loves meat. but not in the Conservative Republican way. Wait, is there any other type that loves meat that much?

Justin Biebers Forehead

2010-05-13T11:06:00.011-06:00

You're really, really glad I typed forehead, aren't you? What is underneath that mass of hair? Probably a tattoo of a black unicorn. I've been having a few disconcerting conversations about Justin Bieber, which probably need to be recorded for legal reasons. Names have been changed in this scenario for their protection (no they haven't, I've just always wanted to say that).

Me: DC is where Justin Bieber lives. much more important and recognizable than the prime minister (and Canadian! what!).

Ty: Bieber lives in DC? I think he's actually running the country, Obama is just his puppet. But when you boil it down, deep down, aren't we all Bieber 's puppets? I like my Bieber with French fries and gravy, doncha know? That last comment made me feel weird, like I killed a unicorn or something. Wrong.

Me: The only way to kill a white unicorn (not a black unicorn, those are evil) is by telling everyone you know that you're NOT a Justin Bieber fan. How do you think he gets to his concerts? a rapier wit is something i always look for in another human being. If they don't have it, you know what happens. (they get fed to a black unicorn)

Cam: First off, I have to say, I enjoy a rapier wit as well. There's nothing I hate more than a rapist with no wit. That's just so boring. (I'm not sure I know what rapier means so I'm just going to assume it means the same thing as the next closest word.)

Ty: NOT be a Justin Bieber fan? Blasphemy! That's like punching a baby, or hating America (ironic, considering hes Canadian). I heard that he's a robot powered by blown adolescent kisses. talk about green! black unicorns love the indolent. I'm not sure what white unicorns like, but if I was to take a guess?...Beib

Me: I was once asking myself, what the hell would a rapists wit be like? I have to assume it would be like what Justin Bieber forehead looks like. Small, childlike and hilarious. It's a proven fact that rapists are hilarious. Don't believe me? Ask Debbie LaFave. Nothing is funnier than her life.

Cam: Second of all, I want to touch Justin Bieber's hair. I'm not saying I'm a fan. I'm not really sure what he does. I can't say whether I like him or don't like him. All I can say is that I WANT TO TOUCH HIS HAIR.

Meghan: Justin Bieber is more powerful that a white unicorn. He's unseated their greatest ruler King White Uni IV as the controller of all these white and unicorn like. That's why they like him

...they have to.

Cam: Third, I am so glad the black unicorn thing is making a resurgence. Fun fact: What's the only thing that can kill a black unicorn? A ninja. That's why its good to have ninjas around. Chew that around as you go through your day. Enjoy it.

Me: I thought the only thing that could kill a black unicorn is the cure to cancer? That's why there are so many black unicorns around...science really needs to speed up their process.

Cam: Oh, and one tiny correction. I don't think black unicorns are really evil - they're just undesirable and lame. Like, if there's a person you don't like being around, you can be like, "Oh God, here comes Tina again. She is SUCH a black unicorn." Black unicorns are sort of like redheaded boys. They can't hurt you, but you really don't want to have to spend time with one.

Me: Oh my god. With your last sentence I just thought of something horrifying: red headed unicorns. WHAT?!

Cam: I had to google "Debbie LaFave". Then I googled "red headed unicorn." Then, I thought, "I really spend too much of my day googling things." Then, I googled "Googlers Anonymous". True story.

2010-05-11T09:04:00.002-06:00

I'm always trolling the interwebs for some sweet sweet dinosaur action. When I saw these Velociraptor cufflinks, my first question to myself was - how can I put my mouth on its mouth without swallowing and choking? My second question to myself was, does this suggest that I may have some sort of dinosaur fetish? Turns out, I couldn't and I do. So, you know. A little life lesson there for ya. Never try to put your mouth on the mouth of a bite size animal.

White Castle Candle

2010-05-06T12:17:00.004-06:00

ANNND my father's birthday present has been realized and pre-ordered. I don't think that he will like these more than he likes his new motorcycle:

The candle's "steam grilled on a bed of onions" scent was created by Nest Fragrances, and the limited-edition candle comes in a ceramic holder designed to mimic White Castle's hamburger packaging, the fast food chain said this week.

"When I think of truly superior aromas, I think of the aroma of a freshly grilled White Castle hamburger -- life just doesn't get better than that," Laura Slatkin, founder of Nest Fragrances, said in a prepared statement. "We have captured that exact essence in our White Castle candle!"

I once caught my essence and made it into a candle. See what I told you about not showering? It makes your essence stronger! No no, not grosser. STRONGER. Grosser too? Well, since it's scientifically proven that you can't smell yourself, I wouldn't know about that, would I?

2010-05-05T12:33:00.002-06:00

It spells what you think it spells. Subliminal messages are rampant today! Fairwell, Penis!

2010-05-03T10:24:00.003-06:00

This is Strawberry Shortcake riding a My Little Pony after having killed a TMNT. With a sword but also with a Rubiks cube, looks like. I don't know what the artist is trying to say here. It could be that humans will always prevail over turtles. It could be that Pink Ponies shouldn't be taken lightly. It could also be that Rubiks Cubes can ruin your mind in such a way that it kills you...from the outside in. Or, you know, it could be the guy was high on something. The only thing NOT plausible is that Strawberry didn't get any blood on her apron. Give me a break.

Magic Major

2010-04-26T14:38:00.005-06:00

The only Magic Major in the country is from my home state of Indiana. Hey, there are Universities there? Interesting.

"Dude is the nation's only magic major. Originally from the San Francisco area, Goldklang, a.k.a. The Great Jordini, used the individualized major program to create a magic major. He capped off his degree program Tuesday with a stage show.

Originally, he was intending to be a music major studying the violin. But some of his friends reminded him that another guy majored in the study of puzzles, and went on to become the New York Times puzzle editor."

So kids that go to college now can just make shit up? Great. I wish I could go back and be "That Girl" with a minor in, well, what else: puzzles. Seriously, I'm good at those. The block kind, with the different colors.

I'm so grateful that this didn't turn out to be my youngest brother. I'm still not sure what he does in his off time. I'm actually not sure he still even exists. Whenever I call and talk to him on the phone we say the same thing, which leads me to believe my parents COULD have taped his voice and then played it over and over to me. Now that would be a trick.

Holy.Shit.

2010-04-23T10:18:00.002-06:00

I want this. Someone make it for me, now. Forget the milk, I can take it down without milk. Jesus, do I look like an amateur here?!

The Trustworthiness of Beards

2010-04-23T10:16:00.005-06:00

Since one of the first few looks like Dumbledore, I'm going to go with this. Otherwise I'm all for the Justin Bieber way of doing things, which is having no hair on the body whatsoever. Hey, I like 'em young looking.

2010-04-21T09:13:00.002-06:00

I'll tell you one thing: I would never be upset that a Canadian was ignoring me. And I can tell you why he's ignoring you- because Old King Clancy wasn't exactly what you thought it was. You can find out what it really was, here: http://www.canadiansexacts.org/

Thanks to KtK, who doesn't mind if they call her Donkey Kong.

Darth Condom

2010-04-20T15:45:00.002-06:00

In French, this supposedly means: "No! I will not be your father!" Cute, isn't it? NO, IT'S NOT CUTE. That Darth Vader is clearly giving me the finger and I don't believe that French people use protection! No one over there has sex, you've seen the girls armpits.

The American Dream

2010-04-13T13:58:00.002-06:00

If you fly off the crazy quadrilateral, you may find yourself landed in crispy bacon.

Machine Gun Bacon

2010-04-07T09:16:00.000-06:00

Last night I was out drinking with some friends and I started talking about the best bacon I have ever had, which to this day is at Steuben's, a restaurant in downtown Denver. The preparation consisted of Bloody Mary mix, spices, bacon vodka, a glass and then a stir-er MADE of bacon. I want you to think about that for a minute. Best Bloody Mary ever? Second to Mary Tudor of the Tudor dynasty, but drink wise- yes. Yes it is. Anyway, I got into this conversation with this girl about the best bacon in town but I neglected to tell her about this: Machine Gun Bacon.

Of course, Meghan neglected to tell me that Colorado has a Senator named Bob Bacon. So, you know. There's that. Anyway, you can cook bacon with a machine gun, if you happen to have one of those on hand. Make sure to put foil around it or you'll never get it off the barrel! What a travesty that would be!

Thanks to Ben Quinn, my new Irish friend. Instead of going with a tradition Shillelagh he would rather beat someone over the head with a machine gun. So, okay. Not the great of an Irish guy. Also, he's allergic to potatoes. Get out! No, seriously. Get out, now.

Tremorz! Video Game

2010-04-05T11:38:00.004-06:00

Holy.shit. This right here is where my love for Movies Rated C For Creature Violence started. There is nothing more violent than a Tremor in the desert, except maybe Alzheimer's, depending on what stage you are at. Get it? Tremors? This computer animated game is called Tremorz- probably to avoid copyright infringement, and methinks that little girl on the pogo stick with the headphones will be the first to go. The redhead? A close second.

Anyway, my love for this movie and for things with more than the normal amount of teeth have just prodded me to spend my nights alone (very alone) with this game. Forever and ever.

Milk Jug

2010-04-02T09:34:00.000-06:00

This little jug thing has some sort of weird (Japanese made, no doubt) sensor in it that can read the smell of your milk and tell you if it is FRESH or SOUR. If you want the mechanics of it, read the damn article, I don't have time to spell it all out for you: Milk Jugs will slowly take over the world. Seriously? It can READ THE SMELL? Well it SMELLS like aliens to me.

And anyway, there's an easier and less expensive way to tell if your milk is sour- give it to your dog. If she starts puking, ah, yep. How does water and Crunchberries go together? Time to find out!

The Wine Purse

2010-04-01T09:08:00.003-06:00

For those of you who are offended by the WineRack because it makes me look too good, there's something new for your hideous senses of humor. The wine purse. It certainly isn't as fun and it doesn't make me look x10 as hot either. Actually, it looks to me like someone just stuffed a box of wine into a faux leather case but hey- what do I know about fashion? I wear camel backs inside my bra for goodness sake! Actually, is that not fashionable? I made a lot of new friends by offering them a hit off my tequila jubblies. Facebook friends. So you know they are legit.

Baby Scarface

2010-03-31T15:50:00.000-06:00

Here's the good news: the scar on that kids face is a fake.
The bad news: it's made out of unicorn blood. Unicorn blood doesn't fade under stage lights, yo, but in order to get that amount you have to kill six unicorns. I don't know why either, it's science-y.

An elementary school teacher was ~~awesome~~ irresponsible enough to let their class perform a version of Brian De Palma's 1983 classic, Scarface. Instead of real guns, fake guns. Instead of dead people, fake dead people. And instead of money, popcorn. Mmmm, delicious.

Sweet Tat: Soysaurus

2010-03-31T09:14:00.006-06:00

The instant I saw this picture, I blacked out. When I came to again, I realized that this person inked on themselves my two favorite things- CONJOINED. It's a Soysaurus! You could play with it AND put it on delicious rice to eat at the same time. It's absolutely horrifying that someone with no body definition whatsoever has seen into the very recesses of my mind- and lived. I can't say as much for Victoria Beckham. Why do you think she's wasting away?

Buble Being Stalked by Raptor

2010-03-30T09:22:00.000-06:00

If I were Michael Buble, I would be very, very careful about what I said in regards to prehistoric animals. I know that he hasn't been portraying them very graciously in the media and I think he should probably watch his back. Why do I think that? LOOK AT THE PICTURE, FOOL. THAT IS A RAPTOR IN THE CORNER, THERE. Christ! That guy is about to die! Along with the hearts of all middle aged women, and my 14 year old brother!

Maybe that's how he gets his beautiful high-pitched voice?

Smart Strippe-y McStripper

2010-03-25T12:58:00.002-06:00

I don't need to explain what happened here, do I? A stripper had to make up a clever and unbelievable story in order to keep evading her taxes in the eyes of the law. I know that it doesn't get taken out of a tip, lady. I've seen your bank statements! I am a banker! No, no I'm not. Okay, I used to be a stripper. Just lay off it.

Cutest Fail Blog EVER

2010-03-23T09:01:00.003-06:00

When did you think that I would regress my interests back into my five year old self and start talking about oceanic animals? Okay, I'm drunk, you guessed it. Well it's better to be drunk and employed than to be drunk and unemployed, which is what I was three days ago! It's this type of math that led me to being an English major, folks.

All together now: AWWWWW.

Cast-tooes

2010-03-18T07:00:00.000-06:00

To my dear and faithful readers, I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. But I have some good news: I will shortly be blogging for a living. That's right, I'm going to be paid to blog to you, and you will still listen! So keep your eyes peeled for the new updated blog in a few weeks and then remember that I eat because you read. Fortunately for you, I eat like a bird so I only need three people reading a day. You guys work that out amongst yourselves.

And now, to the Casttoo- you get it. It shows the xray of your broken bone so that people can look at you with wonderment and awe. I'm bored with it already too. Let's get on to blogging about bacon, shall we?

Porn Stick

2010-03-12T07:44:00.000-07:00

This could have turned out to be a very disturbing image indeed. However, I keep it clean here at Under Oath. Not phyhsically, no no, everyone knows I hate myself a shower. But illicit image wise, I'm like the Virgin Fucking Madonna.

Described as a "robust illicit image detection device designed to protect your family, business or organization," the Porn Detection Stick is a USB drive you plug into your computer to hunt down dirty files -- specifically, images, and it even claims to go after ones you've deleted. The Stick apparently makes its job harder than just immediately popping up and say, "Yep, there's pornography here!" by instead scanning your photos for telltale signs of naughtiness such as exposed flesh, suggestive curvature and "body part separation."

What the hell is body part separation!? No, forget it. I don't even want to know. This stick has ruined everything I find good in this world anyway, I have no qualms about acting like this blog post didn't even happen. What blog post? Exactly.

2010-03-09T09:29:00.004-07:00

Ever heard of Zhou Shaomou? You have because he claims he wrote 'Tale Of The Blue Crows' in 1997 and is convinced James Cameron stole the premise of his novel for Avatar. He's wants to sue for a cool $162 million. That's the total amount of money made in just California. If you had asked for Alaska, Cameron probably would have given it to you, dude.

The book centres around a group of explorers who travel to a distant planet inhabited by blue-skinned beings, he said.

"I wrote in my novel that their space journey took them six years but in Cameron's movie the journey takes them five years nine months and 22 days," he said.

"I was shocked when I first saw that -- it is too close."
This reminds me of the time I wrote about a sexy vampire that falls in love with a regular bat-faced girl and called it Dusk. Well, I guess the name Twilight just had a better reception on the public than mine. Also, I didn't have a British guy in my lead role- I cast a Canadian. Exactly.

Bacon Cake

2010-03-03T12:59:00.000-07:00

People keep sending me this image to blog about it. Here's the problem: I've lost my speech. This, my friends, is a Bacon Cake. It's shaped like bacon only, it tastes like chocolate creme. I'm not offended by this, I think it's a pretty smart move. Can you imagine how fat I would be if it tasted like Bacon too? The nice thing is I'm not a big fan of chocolate creme, which means I'll keep my figure but get to eat little pieces of bacon cake to keep up my blog appearances. Which is what my life is about, now isn't it?

What in the Bloody Blue Hell?

2010-03-02T13:56:00.004-07:00

Because holding up your neck on your own is a job for your autonomous nervous system (I don't know what that is either but I think the government has its hands in it), this is a device that will hold it up for you. That's right, so we don't have to pay members of the military to do it for us. Seriously, I'm sick of you guys.

"The theory behind this neck traction device is that you will experience less pain if you don't have to hold up your own head. This blow up collar is meant to be good for pinched nerves, tension headaches and osteo-arthritis."

Plus, it just makes you look good. I have a shirt in exactly that color. I think it will go well with my leather jacket, don't you?

I'd Ride It: Irony Included

2010-03-01T13:36:00.000-07:00

It has been said that I should be writing more, at this point of my life. Why? Because of, how should we say it, my lack of a job. And here I go, I'm going to talk about Red Bull Motorcycles because, guess what? I'm creative and I'm special. Also, I'm going for some sort of a job with 'blogging' in the title, so I had better show all of my best right? This is my best, right?!

I'm totally kidding about riding on this, by the way. I hate motorcycles. It has to do with the time that I rode in a three wheeled golf cart and then remembered that motorcyles have one less wheel than even THAT. So no, I would not get on this piece of hell. I will admire it from a distance, however, and will yearn for the leather jacket of whoever owns it. Whose a blogger, now?

Armored Golf Carts

2010-02-24T13:03:00.003-07:00

My dad once owned a three wheeled golf cart. I honest to God have no idea why. Probably he knew that I would get in it and try to spin wheelies and end up killing myself or worse: being disfigured. Worse for me, not him. You see, my dad really wants to run for office of our town. And if he had a disfigured kid, you can be sure that he would win or at least place.

"It weighs just under half a ton, has bullet-proof windows and contains numerous firing ports. Furthermore, it is able to negotiate corridors and lifts. Metaltech says that the squat and heavily armored vehicle can also withstand grenade blasts and has a top speed of 15mph."

All of this explains why I grew up with a three wheeled golf cart and not an armored one, complete with a person in uniform to protect me from harming myself on such armor. It's just so shiny!

2010-02-22T10:27:00.006-07:00

Yesterday I had a strong revelation brought on by heavy doses of Sudafed PE. The things that our teachers make us learn in school is way, way off. Think about this: when I was just 7 years old, I learned that George Washington was our first president. Great story, Mrs H.

Here's the damn problem. Something happened four years ago that I should have known as a kid, if not four years ago. To the regular person, its turned into something of a non issue because I never even HEARD of it until yesterday! Jesus Christ, people, did you know that your eye can pop out of its socket if someone hits you hard enough? Or if they make a scooping motion at the correct angle toward your face it'll be scooped along with it like a goddamned ice cream cone? These are basic survival skills and I didn't even know that it could happen to me until yesterday. Holy shit, people. What good is George M'ther F'in Washington going to do me when MY EYE POPS OUT OF MY FACE?

Yeah. I want you to think long and hard before you watch that video. It's terrifying, it's real and it's much funnier than Jersey Shore, which shares all those same qualities.

Dexter Mash Up

2010-02-19T13:40:00.000-07:00

This is a mashup picture of Dexter from Dexter's Lab and Dexter from that show Dexter about the serial killer. I've seen a shit-ton of Dexter's Lab and every single episode of the other Dexter. Why? Because he's hot. Turns out both Dexters, in real life, marry their character sisters' which weirds everyone out and they can no longer look at either Dexter the same way ~~sexually~~ as they did before. And now isn't that a shame? Another man who has left me for their fake family member and go on to become famous. You see that, Woody? I told you I wouldn't think about you anymore!

For My Deaf Dog: Wasabi Fire Alarm

2010-02-18T09:00:00.005-07:00

So a Japanese company called Air Water Safety Service has developed a new type of fire alarm that uses smell instead of sound. More specifically, it uses the chemical compound allyl isothiocyanate, which you'll find in horseradish and wasabi, in specific quantities so as to wake someone up without giving them a burning sensation (aka herpes) in their eyes (in their eyes!??!).

"In testing the alarm has been found to be effective in a room roughly about 50 square feet in size, waking someone up with smell alone in about 2 and a half minutes. Not exactly springing out of bed mind you, but it does seem to work. Unfortunately the $560 price tag has meant the units aren't exactly flying off the shelves, but the company hopes a redesign can bring the price down to a slightly more reasonable, but still kind of expensive, $225"

Someone once tricked me into eating a piece of candy that looked like lime green but was actually wasabi. And do you know my reaction? I wanted to die, biting into that. So if I smelled wasabi and smoke and fire, I'd probably just let the dear lord take me. I'm telling you, it just wouldn't be worth it to live anymore.

Twilight Body Pillow

2010-02-17T13:20:00.004-07:00

Relationships with body pillows have been taken to a new level, and I'm not going to say whether or not it was my fault (it was). Can you blame me? I love the Japanese and I love Twilight. I haven't spoken about Twilight in a fortnight or more because I'm appalled how much attention those damn werewolves are getting. Also, how do you expect me to believe that those abs are real? It's obviously movie magic.

Thanks to Zach who has always been supportive of my blog and my relationship with vampires. It's what friends are for- that, and helping me find myself in a tree with a girl. You my boy!

Bacon Lollipop

2010-02-16T09:31:00.001-07:00

Didn't Martin Luther King, Jr. say, "never underestimate the power of your dreams?"

Or no, wait. That was Pocahontas and what SHE said was, "I'm going to paint with the colors of the wind." We can't ask Meghan, because if she doesn't know someone in their race she doesn't believe they exist at all. Which, you know, I like about her. But I'll tell you what- I'm going to paint with this bacon lollipop and it's probably going to be the most delicious thing I've ever eaten.

Tom, Will You Be My BFF?

2010-02-10T08:40:00.000-07:00

Dude, let's buy these. Mom and dad would be proud, trust me. Here's how you need to choose them: find the biggest and strongest person that you can and be their best friend. Especially if you like to get in whiskey fights. Which I totally don't.
Tom come quick! That bitch just stole my whiskey!

Brain Freeze Ice Cubes

2010-02-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

Haha, oh, I get it. It's wordplay. It's almost as confusing as the time I tried to end a relationship with car metaphors. Tapping the brakes doesn't mean what you think it does (gross, Susie) and saying that you want to get in and out of other cars doesn't mean you're a swinger. Also, when you tell your dad that you're coming home with your dog make sure he doesn't think you're saying derogatory "dawg" and that you, in fact, mean the animal kind.

It's why I'm really good with personal relationships. That's what my therapist told me, anyway. By therapist, everyone here knows I mean this blog? Okay good, being on the same page is my favorite.

People who have told me I need therapy in the past week: five.

People I have told to shut the hell up and read my blog: seven. And one 10 year old.

Bacon Alarm Clock

2010-02-08T14:01:00.002-07:00

Just in case you didn't see the Super Bowl last night because you a) didn't watch the Super Bowl, b) were still trying to figure out why the Doritos ads were all clearly concepts someone thought of stoned (dude, what if there was like a hand-slapping Dorito baby??? or c) were depressed and watched The Tudors instead, there's this:

Bacon! Always bacon! That should bring you back to focused. Also, a bacon alarm clock!

So we all get it right? This thing cooks your bacon and then you wake up to the nicest smell on earth except you can't step on it like they did in The Office because regular people are smarter than TV character people. Question is: how could you go to sleep knowing that there is bacon an arms length away? I'm probably not going to buy this because the last thing I need to see when I wake up from a dream about donuts is a pig, but I'll post it. The things I do for you.

2010-02-08T10:36:00.004-07:00

Let's get real here: someone recently saw me open up 16 packets of ketchup from Chick-Fil-A, thought to themselves, "I never want to look like that girl" and finally decided to make my dream come true. That is, easy to open ketchup packets while simultaneously saving my jeans from goddamn red stains. Do you know how thin those napkins are? Yeah, I put ketchup on my napkins. Everyone relax.

Also, I grew up in the same town as the Heinz factory. Which means I have more say in all of this than any of you fools.

Japanese Crying Girls

2010-02-05T09:32:00.001-07:00

It may not be The Crying Game but "Crying Girl" (Nakigao, in Japanese) from Amuse Soft Entertainment has its fair share of crying. In fact, it's almost ALL crying. One after another, 11 minor female celebs shed real tears as they recount some of the worst days of their lives. From the makers:

"みんなきっと驚くこと間違いなし！これ、なんと80ポートものUSBポートを内蔵したチャージャーボードなんです。携帯電話、デジカメ、オーディオプレーヤーなどなど。そんなデジタル機器をたくさんお持ちの方には朗報かもしれません！デジタル機器を80個まで充電できるなんて、まるで夢のようじゃないですか？USBの端子が80ポートも並んでいるのを横からみると何か、なんだか軍隊の兵隊さんみたいな感じがして迫力あります。"

In English, all of that crap means the "11 stories of people crying in earnest", as the DVD's tag line states, include some that really don't seem so terrible but instead reflect the rigors of being an up & coming model in Japan's fiercely competitive "idol" culture:
* Marika, who was yelled at by her manager.
* Risa, who had been jilted by her boyfriend.
* Nana, who saw a bad picture of herself in a magazine.
* Shiho, who cried when her boyfriend said goodbye.
* Mai, who cried "touching the loneliness of the city".
* Yutaka, who has a friend with breast cancer who's engaged to marry.

Awesome. They could film me on one of my better days. I cry blood. It's super weird!

2010-02-04T11:12:00.002-07:00

Ryan: Why do you have so many dinosaur pictures up in your cube?

Me: Because I love dinosaurs, Ryan. Why else?

Ryan: You're a dork. I think that's where the dinosaurs come from. I used to play with a cousin of mine when I was young at my Grandmas house. He would play with dinosaurs and other such mystical creatures and I would play sports outside. That cousin later turned goth and did meth.

Me: .....

Ryan: I’m just say’n, dinosaurs are a slippery slope.

Me: You're right, I should probably stop playing with dinosaurs before they tell me I should do meth.

Ryan: It's all down hill from there though… I’ve heard they whisper into your ears late at night.

Me: Well, the little ones do. Could you imagine a T-Rex trying to whisper in your ear? That would be insane! He would have to break down the whole house!

Ryan: And with their little hanies too! I cant imagine you’d be able to even cuddle up next to the little ones!

Me: Ryan, what is a hanie? I'm scared.

Ryan: It's another word for hand, of course. It may not be recognized in an oxford dictionary, but its common day vernacular! And when I say common, I mean around toddlers or infants…

Me: *audible weeping*

2010-02-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

I thought it was "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems".

Ouija Board: For Her

2010-02-03T11:31:00.000-07:00

It has always been mysterious. It has always been mystifying. And now the OUIJA Board is just for you, girl. And it's pink! Because girls love pink! And bras! Giggle, giggle, giggle!

"With 72 fun questions included, you'll never run out of things to ask. Who will call/text me next? Will I be a famous actor someday? Who wishes they could trade places with me? Gather your friends around, draw a card, place your fingers on the planchette and ask your question. Concentrate very hard and watch as the answer is revealed in the message window. Make up your own questions, and let the OUIJA Board satisfy your curiosity in virtually endless ways. OUIJA Board will answer. It's just a game - or is it?"

Seriously? Is it? SOMEONE ANSWER ME? IS IT A FUCKING GAME OR IS IT REAL LIFE?

2010-02-02T08:25:00.003-07:00

Thanks to Chester, who is scared of all foreigners- especially Canadians. Oh wait no, that's me.

WTF

2010-02-01T09:13:00.003-07:00

Classier than the Wine Rack or hanging a bag of wine from the ceiling, this little product comes to us from the genius at SkyMall. I'm actually surprised they didn't turn it into a belt because to be sure, I don't want my wine glass taking away from my outfits. UNLESS IT'S EMPTY! Then bring it on, M'therF'ers!

Twilight Sweatshirt

2010-01-29T08:34:00.001-07:00

If I was in high school right now, I would totally use this to cover up my pregnacy that I would probably have with a very pale skinned man. I was susceptible to movie stars back then- I really don't want to tell you about the phase I went through when "Dragonheart" came out. That's right. Heart porn. I mean, Dragon porn.

Love You, Succeed Blog

2010-01-28T08:03:00.000-07:00

It took me literally ten minutes for me to figure out what this picture was trying to tell me. I'm going to be dead in six days!

WTF: Shark Knife

2010-01-27T11:27:00.001-07:00

Let's just keep up with the shark theme for a little bit here. Question: if you have a shark knife, who would win between a battle with a Giant Octopus? Yeah, most likely you would still die. It was worth a shot though, right?

Two Girls: One Essay

2010-01-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Zach who, once upon a time, held my arms behind my back and FORCED (click here for the full sized view of the article) me to watch this video. Oh wait, that wasn't him. Nevermind.

Succeed Blog!

2010-01-26T11:48:00.001-07:00

I found this on a blog called 'Succeed Blog' which is exactly what I'm doing right now. Motherfucking succeeding. Succeeding at life, folks. Henceforth I will be changing 'Under Oath' to 'Katie Succeeds all Gotdamn Day'. My blog literally has nothing to do with my personal relationships, so that title is true.

Now, sharks! Meghan and my favorite things! This thing infuses your tea, hopefully with roofies, and makes you feel better during a bad day. Also, somehow, it looks like blood. I don't know- why not? I like it but not as much as I like you. I think we share something *really* special. Too bad for you, that something special happens to be your bacon. Give it to me.

Computer Mailbox

2010-01-26T11:16:00.000-07:00

Honestly it's hard to find something to say about this. I can barely remember when computers used to look like that and not like my awesome laptop covered in sweat and shame. Seriously Apple? Because when whiskey sweats out of the average body it turns everything yellow. Not very smart planning, was it? In fact, I'm thinking of turning my computer into some sort of birdhouse- that's how much respect I have for the company right now.

And I have had this in my queue for about three months because I didn't know if I wanted a blog of mine to say 'Whiskey Sweats.' But you know what? Fuck it. I sweat whiskey. And sometimes I sweat John Daly's. And I refuse to be ashamed of this anymore!

Party Rats

2010-01-21T13:30:00.001-07:00

"What? You haven't heard of Party Rats! You're kidding, right? They're the best thing to happen to partying since the mirror ball. People of all ages are putting these colorful, plastic, rodent lights on their fingers and waving their hands in the air like they just don't care. Each 1-3/4" long rat sends out a different colored beam of light, allowing you to create your own personal light show! Also great for the latest computer craze, night blogging!"

Direct your attention, please, to the latest computer craze that is night blogging. I often blog at night when things are nice and quiet and I've a little nightcap full of whiskey because I couldn't find the water glasses in the cabinet because it's too damn dark in the house. But now, dear friends, fear no longer. Things are about to get weird, people.

Mini Cupcake Maker

2010-01-21T07:48:00.001-07:00

There comes a time in every young fat kids life that they realize they need 16-20 mini cupcakes NOW and don't have time to wait for a regular sized cupcake to be baked by their mom. And wow, wasn't it really nice that your mom used to bake for you instead of what my mom did for me? Which was give me a plate of fruit and say, "we don't want those sweets to go straight to your ass, do we, hon?"

Jesus Guns: I'll Explain In A Minute

2010-01-20T14:56:00.000-07:00

Embarrassing as it now is for my brother and cousin and uncles and other people, the military has been handing out guns with Passages from the Bible. Wait, I don't get it.

"The sights are manufactured by Michigan-based company Trijicon who have a £400 million ($656 million) contract to supply 800,000 sights to the U.S. military.
A spokesman for Trijicon said the inscriptions had always been on the sights and began under founder Glyn Bindon, who was a devout Christian.
U.S. military rules specifically prohibit the promotion of any religion in Iraq or Afghanistan.
Lawyer and former air force officer Michael Weinstein said the inscriptions play into the hands of those who say the U.S. is on a 'crusade' against Islam. 'It allows the Mujahedeen, the Taliban, Al Qaeda and the insurrectionists and jihadists to claim they're being shot by Jesus rifles,' he said."

Oh, okay. It's those damned Iraqis again causing problems. See, for a second there I was all, "wait, isn't it really nice that we Americans have Jesus on our side?" but then the Iraqis had to come in and be all, "Jesus would never shoot us!" But then it's like, "I thought you followed Allah or whatever, so stop talking to ME about Jesus and my government will kick your governments ass!" and this is how we got into this fight in the first place.

Bacon Bourbon Carmel Popcorn

2010-01-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

There's really only one thing I can and will say about this little union right here. Orgasm. In the mouth. And I'm not even talking about THAT because THAT is gross but did you see right there in the title? Bourbon! Bacon! Popcorn! You throw a little ranch seasoning on there and do you know what's going to happen? I'm going to make you the happiest man on earth. Or woman. Whoever gets me that seasoning first, ya'll.

Oh Herro Dere: Your Fetus' First Cellphone

2010-01-19T07:30:00.001-07:00

When I have a fetus of my own there's really only one thing I want: to be able to eat all of the bacon I want to without *someone* telling me that I look big in my pants. BUt the second thing that I want is a way to directly communicate with my babies slowly developing brain. I'd yell things at it like, "Form faster, you brain!" or, "How's the temperature in there? Need me to turn down the heat?" or, "Stop eating my goddamned bacon, you little brat!"

Love,
Mommy

Holy Dear God What Is That!?

2010-01-15T11:02:00.000-07:00

A sheep in Turkey gave birth to a lamb with a human face today. Well, technically yesterday because I'm always one step ahead of you guys with the news. You could say it was one step behind but you'd be wrong, now wouldn't you? This picture is gross, so I hope you didn't just eat.

Oh, you did? Sorry, that's going to come up all funky then. LOOK AT THAT TURKISH HUMAN FACED SHEEP LAMB! Don't worry, it's dead. Oh, does that make this story sadder? But it's a mutant!

2010-01-15T08:33:00.001-07:00

Well this is sad as shit.

Doggy Air Tank

2010-01-14T11:46:00.001-07:00

You know what your dog needs? Some fucking exercise and an owner that doesn't dress them up in stupid sweaters. But hey, maybe instead of that you can get them this: oxygen therapy.

"Developed by Air Press, the chambers are designed to help the dogs relax from their stressful days of eating, walking and being frequently petted by their human servants owners. Located in Yoyogi Uehara, the service goes for about 2,000 yen ($21) for 30 minutes."

That's interesting but you should save some for the humans. I don't want to be walking around with Bra Gas Masks on in the future because these furry bitches needed to unwind at the end of a long stressful day of work...sleeping. And eating. And ruining all the remote controls in my damned house.

I'll Put Three On Top Of Each Other: Cleavage Caddy

2010-01-14T08:42:00.000-07:00

This cleavage caddy holds all sorts of cool stuff but one thing it does NOT hold is a bra filled with wine. Because that's a different product entirely. Called The Wine Rack. And I think the Wine Rack kicks Cleavage Caddy's ass unless the cleavage caddy can hold some sort of flask and then they're in for an even match.

Tape Dispener Technology Has Finally Come to Jesus

2010-01-13T14:38:00.003-07:00

As you can see, the blade developed by Nichiban makes almost straight cuts because it is straight as well, with convex-shaped cutters that not only make for a safer tape dispenser but also one that requires less force to use.

The new tape dispensers will be available in Japan later this month before inevitably taking over offices and desks worldwide. It will come in black and white and will sell for ¥2,310 (approx. $25 USD), while a replacement for its heart and soul - the blade - can be had for ¥525 ($5).

OMG. Thank you Japan! Finally! A tape-dispenser that will finally cut straight edges instead of, you know, the zig zaggy ones. And score: it requires less force to use than run-of-the-mill-why-don't-you-kill-me-instead-of-buying-me-Scotch tape. Also, beautiful architectural tops you can see through. Ladies?

High Tec Baby Stuff

2010-01-13T07:53:00.000-07:00

In recent news, Cream of Wheat tastes nothing at all like Oatmeal. It's stunning how grossed out I am right now by my breakfast. See where this is going? Babies like breakfast, I hate Cream of Wheat aka one of us needs some sort of sweet bib to wear. Of course, not me. I mean the baby. And anyway the airplane spoon trick doesn't work on me anymore. Not after last time.

See Through Laptop Appears to be See Through

2010-01-12T07:22:00.000-07:00

In a move that doesn't make sense to me at all, Samsung is going to beging to make transparent laptops. Not only is it going to be extremely confusing for porn watchers everywhere it's also probably going to have to result in some sort of new law where you aren't allowed to get turned on by your own feet. Does that law already exist? If not then it really should. I know that something I'm doing is illegal.

The Future

2010-01-11T11:48:00.000-07:00

I'm a person who loves kids. Hell, I want six or seven (lucky guy!). There's just one thing I don't love: their lying mouths. Also, I want mine to be rational thinkers and not idealistic little babies. Here is what seven pages worth of kids think our future is going to look like. Yeah, you can giggle because their answers are cute but do you want to be the one raising the little bastards? Didn't think so.

Robots will take over the world. They will have lasers.

Jacob Eiseman, 9

Penn Valley

In a decade I think that the time machine will be invented. Maybe somebody will make a new ice cream flavor and the government will find a way to stop pollution. They will also make a machine to control the seasons. After, there would be a candy that makes you shrink. Astronauts would land on Mars and explorers would find new types of fish. They would also discover a new Arctic animal and a new island.

Guille Ribeiro-Vecino, 8

Wynnewood

Everybody will have a jet pack.

Dylan Marcus, 7

Cherry Hill

There may not be any blue sky.

Annie Lindner, 11

Haverford

We will live in a world of pure luxury with computers that are programmed by a human's thoughts. We will have no racism, no crime, no need for anyone to take people to court, no need for divorce. There would be no end to happiness. The poor would be welcomed into newly built houses without hesitation. Rich people would donate to every charity known. We would find a cure for every disease.

Summer Lynch, 11

Malvern

Ohh poor Summer. Her world is going to be crushed. Make sure she doesn't ever see Avatar!

Cereal Choices

2010-01-09T08:59:00.000-07:00

Let me drop a little knowledge on you real quick. Cereal is formed from the root word 'Ceres' who was an ancient goddess of grain. Now I'm not saying I'm in love with a dead godlike woman but if that Ceres had anything at all to do with Cap'n Crunch, then she and I have some things in common. So if you can't see this graph you should probably take a look here in order to figure out what you need to eat each day. And if you would rather look at someone else's blog instead of mine because that other person is cooler and dresses better then good riddance. But all she's going to tell you is how to eat fast food. And she's a vegetarian, ya'll!

Is this Sexist?

2010-01-06T10:56:00.003-07:00

Thanks to Jen, who had better get me back my laundry in a timely manner or I'll have to go Chris Brown on her again. Too old of a joke? No, still funny? I don't see you laughing.

For the Epic Win

2010-01-03T10:05:00.003-07:00

Well now I just have to make sure that my drink doesn't taste like hookers and blow. Damn those rappers.

Sweet Tat: T- Rex

2009-12-31T08:34:00.000-07:00

I want these, except on my face. NOW. SOMEONE GET THEM FOR ME NOW.

Battleship Drinking

2009-12-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

I wanted to get this for my brother for Christmas but I didn't because I didn't have time and instead he got an Obama bobblehead which was pretty cool, too. Also, I heard that he doesn't take shots because he's a little bitch, so why would I spend my good money on a game that requires manning up and being awesome?

Gun Remote

2009-12-29T11:22:00.000-07:00

Pew, pew! This remote-gun is awesome AND functional AND my dog wouldn't dare eat it because I've taught her discipline with a .44 Magnum. Get what I'm saying? I'm totally just kidding. I would never shoot my dog. I would only let her play with horses and get kicked to teach her a lesson. It's the NATURAL thing to do.

Big Lightsaber?

2009-12-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

It may be titled the World's Largest Lightsaber but what you're really missing here is that it's actually The Sun. Yep. I'm talking about that one. I'd title it World's Whitest Human or Worldest Grossest Chest or maybe even World's Last Pair of Cargo Shorts. Think about it.

I Want: Spongebob Helmet

2009-12-28T11:02:00.000-07:00

This limited edition Spongebob helmet will pick up chicks for you left and right without you even having to do any work! All you have to tell these 'chicks' is that it cost you $800 dollars, but no amount of money could be paramount to you or your ladies' safety. Trust me. Bad boys are out and Spongebob safety is IN, gentlemen. Have I ever steered you wrong yet?

Single Ladies

2009-12-28T07:56:00.001-07:00

These are my cousins and aunt and uncle and yes I WILL be counting this as their video submission for the Sing-Off. Please enjoy:

How Not To Die: In Style

2009-12-26T11:20:00.000-07:00

Roadside vests are becoming awesome. So awesome that they are paired with Ugg boots and chucks. So get this- I just went out and bought three. I'm wearing them to work because people don't see me here. Like, really see me- you know? See into my soul. This neon fucking green vest will make them see me though. And god forbid someone tries to shine a light on me again.

Russel

2009-12-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

I never saw 'Up' because old men with square set jaws intimidate the hell out of me, but if I had I guess I would think this was cuter than I currently do. But I'll go see it now. Hey- is that a Girl Scout Cookie Eating Champ badge?!

What In The:

2009-12-25T11:29:00.000-07:00

This is an actual screen shot from a sailing website that popped up on my GMail ad bar. "Sailing, like invisibility, is a skill that can last a lifetime."

I'm stunned. Like I've been hit by an INVISIBLE SAILBOAT. So I'm all: wait, all I need to do is apply myself and I can not only become invisible but learn to sail a boat? And more specifically, if I was invisible would I even need to sail a boat? I could just hop on some other persons boat and stowaway because no one could see me! Oh, the things I'm going to do with invisibility once I put my mind to it and concentrate on building up this skill.

Crystallized Headphones

2009-12-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

Merry Christmas! I was hoping I could get these for my moms because she is the best and deserves only the sparkliest of things but I couldn't because I didn't have any damn money. So instead I got her a nice warm hug. And I've been cleaning my dogs feet before she comes into the house so she doesn't track mud all over our white carpets. Best daughter ever? That's what I thought, too.

It's Real: Condom Pillow

2009-12-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

It's good for us and used mainly by the tween population, but I don't want to put my head on it. And I would only put my head IN it for a joke and fifty bucks. No, make that fifteen bucks. Miley Cyrus leggings only cost six dollars each pair so I could get two pair plus tax which would take me almost perfectly to fifteen bucks.

What were we talking about, again? Tweens? Hmm. I love Miley Cyrus.

TMNT Snuggie

2009-12-24T07:20:00.000-07:00

I'M JUST GOING TO KEEP USING CAPS BECAUSE I AM SO EXCITED. MY FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MOVIE COMBINED WITH ONE OF THE MOST INNOVATE INVENTIONS OF OUR GENERATION. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT. THIS IS SO AWESOME. I WANT ONE RIGHT NOW. SOMEONE BUY IT FOR ME- MY VOICE HURTS.

I Work Hard For the Money

2009-12-23T16:03:00.002-07:00

I just met Ryan, a co-worker, nary 2 hours ago. It must have been fairly obvious that I'm a huge sports lover because he promptly invited me into his private office NFL pool. After looking NFL up on Google, I decided I could probably pick some teams in a draft and win.

Ryan: Well ladies and gentleman, the unthinkable has happened. Heather “The Darkhorse” Smith has won week 15s picks. CONGRATS HEATHER!! Just an FYI, I’ll be sending out week 16 picks this afternoon as I know some people will be taking the rest of the week off. So if this is you, make sure to get me you’re picks before you take off.

Me: Did you add me because I was sad about being excluded from the gift exchange? If so, that was nice. Also, I have no clue what we're talking about here.

Ryan: You’re welcome. Just wanna involve everyone I can. This is about sports. I’ll send out a sheet that’ll allow you to pick the winners of the NFL games.

Me: Wow. Awesome. Shall I pick off of team colors, team mascot or team overall hotness rating for this draft? Skill, obviously, has nothing to do with winning.

Ryan: Hmm, yes, those are good tactics that have served me well in the past. Except for team hotness, of course. Going off of cheerleader outfit proves to be much more successful for me. I think you should devise an algorithm that will combine all three.

Me:
Scene: March Madness.
Year: 2003.
Money in the pocket from picking off of my algorithm of all three: $200. (Inflation would make that $450 today).
# of angry people who thought that skill actually mattered: Priceless. Just kidding. The real answer is 100.

Football may be different but I guess we'll see, now won't we?

Ryan:
Scene: Angkor, Cambodia
Year: 2001
Number of local television reporters and flashing cameramen crowding and pushing me as I make my way through the international terminal at Gate D: 53
The winnings of taking down the largest pageant hoax in history: 756,000,000,000.00 Criel ($181,440,000.00)
Fixing the Miss World Championship: priceless

Yes, yes we will.

Let the games begin.

What!

2009-12-23T11:38:00.000-07:00

Why yes, google, that's exactly what I meant. Thank you for being helpful.

HandJob

2009-12-23T08:01:00.000-07:00

Handjob! Is the multi-grip system that everyone’s talking about! Are you feeling tired? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? Sounds like you need a Handjob!

Beware of sloppy imitations. You could expect to pay up to $40 elsewhere. But right now, you can experience all the pleasure and convenience of a genuine Handjob! for yourself for the low, low price of just $4.95 plus shipping and handling. BUT WAIT! Order now and receive a second Handjob! absolutely FREE! That's two Handjobs! for under 5 bucks! You can't beat it! Keep one for yourself and give one to a friend…or keep them both! We won't tell!

Thanks to Thomas and Zach who both are curious as cats to what a burner is. Only I'm not telling because it's gross. You can tell each other. Zach meet Thomas, Thomas meet Zach.

That's Cute: Sibling Rivalry

2009-12-22T16:29:00.000-07:00

Please, please go here and look at this up close. It is amazing. And horrible. Also, just because her name is Katie doesn't mean this is me. Anyway, I'm not Asian, right? RIGHT?!?!

Mountain Dew Scented Nintendo Soap

2009-12-22T08:03:00.001-07:00

I would never lie about something like that, folks. It smells like Mountain Dew. Honest to God I wasn't even sure that Mountain Dew had a smell but I'm not one to deny people what they want, am I? Except for in the mornings. I will always deny you in the morning.

Oh, Hell No: Japan

2009-12-22T07:20:00.000-07:00

Which one is the clone and which one is the human? You can't tell, and neither can I and that is where the fun stops. By clone, of cours I mean robot. But which one is worse? Neither have minds of their own but the robot has metal appendages therefore making it much stronger and less likely to die. Those are two very important factors that we must never forget when facing a robot clone of a Japanese man.

In other recent news....

2009-12-21T15:48:00.001-07:00

...75% of the nation's top hackers have scraggly neck beards.

Thanks to Brent who is only mad because he can't grow a beard but could hack into a computer like whoa, ya'll.

Don't Hit Me: Green Balloon

2009-12-21T11:57:00.000-07:00

In recent news, an anti-gay republican leader was caught beating a woman for not using their safe word, "green balloons." In other news, I'm doing just fine save for a couple of bruises on my ribs. It doesn't hurt if I drink enough.

Rod Jetton or as I like to call him, Mr. Wonderful, is now in jail for his deviant acts. The news reports say:

"After drinking some of the wine and watching football, the statement said, the victim "began ‘fading' in and out and remembered losing consciousness several times." The affidavit says Jetton and the alleged victim agreed on a safe word - "green balloons" - that could be used to stop sexual relations during the evening. Instead, the affidavit says, Jetton hit her on the face and choked her before engaging in intercourse. Jetton allegedly said, "You should have said ‘green balloons,' " before leaving her home the next morning."

Okay, to be fair, most safe words that I know have something to do with pancakes. It can be really confusing, given all of the latex floating around this place, to want to switch over to green balloons at the last second. The fact that is both anti-gay and Republican has nothing to do with my contempt for the man. It has everything to do with his stylistic choice of safe-word. No one ever said I was rational.

Frank Lampard's Gold Plated Ass/iPod

2009-12-21T08:03:00.002-07:00

I honest to God don't even know who this person is! He's in uniform, he has a broad flat forehead- is he someone that I should be dating/should have dated? Frank? Frank? Nope, don't know any Franks.

Anyway, he has this awesome gold plated iPod worth nearly 10K. This counts as news today because I said so.

Bearded Superheroes

2009-12-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

So we've already talked about mustaches but how does everyone feel about beards? I don't feel confident about them, I'll tell you what. There could be something living in there! Like a soul or some bugs. Anyway, here's a gallery of bearded superheroes. It's kindof cool, but I like my Christian Bale clean shaven, thank you very much.

Cobra Whiskey

2009-12-19T10:10:00.000-07:00

Did this just give anyone else the chills? Besides Meghan, I know that she is deathly afraid of snakes. She's just like Indiana Jones! Except hotter, of course. Here's all I'm going to say: I'd get drunk off of that cobra. I'd bite the head off of a cobra if it tasted like good whiskey. You dig?

For the Badass Baby: Weaponized Stroller

2009-12-18T16:49:00.001-07:00

Remember when I gave you a talking to about your babies that are being too molly coddled and therefore growing up with a degenerate sense of self? Well, the baby that rides in this whip isn't going to be like that all. He's going to be bad ass. And in 18 years, he's going to meet an awesome cougar like me that will take care of him. Too much? You're right.

I'll talk about my own kids- the kids that are going to be beating up the kids in the 'fabric' or 'mesh' strollers. Exactly. Watch.your.back. They're going to look like that kid from Childs Play, and they're going to be rolling around in this fucking tank of a stroller! I can't wait.

It's Beautiful

2009-12-18T11:50:00.000-07:00

A lady found Jesus in her Kit Kat bar the other day. Seriously! Who eats Kit Kat's anymore? Reese's are soooo in right now. Also, I usually find Jesus right around the time I'm looking for money to pay the bills. Damn you, Jesus! You know that your child support is due on the 15th!

I'll play along with this, just so long as it doesn't offend any of my radical Scientology beliefs. Speaking of which, folks, have you heard about the religion whose beliefs that can best be summarized with the phrase "alien awesomeness"? It's pretty sweet. I'll have to get you a guest pass to my ~~Tom Cruise Rape~~ upper level seats sometime.

The Ultimate Food Chain

2009-12-17T16:53:00.000-07:00

I'd like to talk to you about a little something I like to call: survival. If you're faced with going down a path of zombies or a path of aliens- it really doesn't matter which way you choose. Because you're going to die no matter what. That is what this food chain pyramide thingy is telling us.

Now, if there was a path full of plants or a path of aliens, which would you choose then? Of course, aliens! They are much more fun to play with! And dinos? Well, they don't even fit in here. They were extinct long, long ago. Duh.